


Caleb Widogast, Homeowner

by phalarope (mniotilta)



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-21
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-11-01 15:12:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17869604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mniotilta/pseuds/phalarope
Summary: Caleb buys a house and makes his life miserable through his own design.





	Caleb Widogast, Homeowner

**Author's Note:**

> i'm writing this instead of doing my calculus homework and i have had barely any sleep adn am very tired and don't now i fanyhting makes sense rhight niw

Fjord no last name given knocked on the door, looking back down at the piece of paper he held in his hands that had caleb's new address on it. He was excited to see his friend! but he was also slightly embarrassed by his other friends that had come wiht him. In this U.S. middle class suburban dream neighborhood, the tranquility of that fine spring day was interrupted by shouts and grunts from Beauregard as she perpetually tried to deflect and fight back against the ongoing assault of the sprinkler in the front yard.  
  
"watch out yasha here it comes again!!!" she yelled, guarding as the cascade of moving water of the sprinkler system threateningly but slowly going closer to the two women. Yasha only nodded, sagely, as Beauregard screamed angrily, rushing at the sprinkler and punched it.  
  
Trying to ignore the disaster lesbians, fjord looked to his left, at Caduceus, who was on his knees and peering underneath a large bush in Caleb's landscaping, talking aloud but in a hushed tone so Fjord couldn't quite hear what it was. Jester, on the sidewalk, had a large selection of chalk out that she was furiously and graphically drawing dicks in all colors of the rainbow.  
  
Only Mollymauk was relatively normal, waiting patientily with fjrord at the door. The hot tiefling waited a few moments before knocking on the door a second time. They remarked to each other how nice and put together the house looked, now meticulous everything seemed from the curbside, but they expected nothing left from their now no longer hobo wizard friend  
  
After some muffled sounds and shuffling, the door open, and there stood Caleb.  
  
"Oh, good, you made it," he said, motioning them to come inside. With some coaxing, the rest of the party entered the abode, but not before Yasha raged and smashed the sprinkler with her meaty fist after a stray drop of water landed on her arm. The sprinkler, still running water, was still sputtering water minimally but the reign of the enemy had ended and all was well in the world.  
  
"Welcome," Caleb said, shuffling awkwardly, unsure how to greet his friends to his home, as he had never been a homeowner before. He seemed, anxious, nervous, and Caduceus could tell because his firbolg eyes see all, but he could not deduce why a she got distracted by Jester poking him and offering him a piece of chalk that she had been drawing with. It was purple. Caducues thanked her for it and held it in his hands. He tried to eat it and it was not very good. he didn't know what sidewalk chalk was.  
  
"It's mighty nice of you to let us be the first people to see your new home, it looks great," Said Fjord.  
  
"Well, ah, I'm still unpacking."  
  
"YOU MAY HAVE ONE PROBLEM" said beauregard loudly in an outside voice not meant for inside. "YOUR SPRINKLER LOOKS LIKE IT'S NO LONGER WORKING."  
  
"yeah we have no idea why." added yasha, in such a low voice that caleb had to turn up the volume so he could hear her. her deception was not very good but caleb was too afraid of large powerful woman to say anything, plus yasha was his friend and it had been so long since he had good friends he just wasn't sure what the proper protocol was for sprinkler damage. maybe it was normal and okay for your friends to come into your yard and roll inititive woth your sprinlers. he didin't know. he wa sa book learned man, not knowledgable in the ream of real estate. he had only ever meT ONE real estate wizard in his life a and he fucking sucked.  
  
"Do you need help unpacking"\?" said Mollymauk, making some bad typos at the end of that speech thing.  
  
"no i am fine. But you may want to take two steps forward--"  
  
SUDDENLY near fjord's feet a burst of flame jettisoned out of the wall, just barely singing shoes of his and also several other party members.  
  
"Caleb, man, what the fuck!?" said Beau in a much better inside voice but still yelling!!! she patted out the flames that had begun on her pants. She looked over to the wall where the flames had come from and noticed that there was a candle on the floor, dripping wax onto the carpet, and next to it was a single glade plug in sprayer stuck into an outlet.  
  
"yes, you will have to be very careful, beuregard."  
  
"why though?!?!?!" she shouted, still very confused.  
  
"Caleb," Jester pouted, pointing to a hallway "is that another candle over there?"  
  
another jettison of flame rocketed out from that direction, and upon inspection the party saw a similar setup.  
  
"please don't mind it, it is very scary and difficult to remember when they all go off, but if you follow the paths that i marked on the floor with duct tape you will be safe."  
  
nobody knew what to say.  
  
"Caleb.... i hate to ask.... but is there a reason for this?" asked fjord.  
  
A siren started blaring through the entire house.  
  
"We do not have a lot of time," Bcaleb said, gripping Ford's arm and running as fast as his little legs could carry him. although the front entrance of the house seemed normal, as they ran down a hallway the truth was revealed. in the living room there was all the furniture you would expect in a living room, but all of it was piled together into a massive chaotic fort, with half the legs broken off a table, the couch flipped over, etc. They all ran and hid in the fort and Caleb peeked around the corner. his friends followed suit. the alarm stopped. it was quiet. too quiet. quiet enough for the party to notice the gash marks in the walls, areas of the ceiling where fire had started to burn through the support beams, the floor was dug up revealing the bare dirt in one corner, and in the middle of the half singed carpet was a half eaten loaf of bread with a hole in the middle of it, riddled with crossbow bolts.  
  
then, a flurry of small, hurried steps.  
  
IT'S COMING!!! SHOUTED NOTT THE BRAVE, CROSSBOW LOADED AS SHE FIRED DOWN THE HALL AND ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKED A PICTURE DOWN INSTEAD, THE GLASS CLATTERING TO THE FLOOR. SHE RAN FASTER AND LEPT INTO THE FORT AT FLYING SPEED.  
  
"HELLOA" SHE SAID TO ALL OV EHR FIRENDS, WHO WERE STARTING, AND SHE LOADED HER CROSSBOW AGAIN. "NICE SEEING YOU BUT WE DON'T HAVE TIME RIGHT NOW, IT'S COMING."  
  
"what is coming?!?!?!?!?" siad molly  
  
a whirring noise, then another, coming from two separate hallways, then a third, then more whirring. caleb looked extremely nervous and started to weave a spell in the air. nott frantically kept switching her focus between various hallways and openings into this central room. FROM DOWN THE HALL, IT APPEARED, a small, tiny, circular disk seemed to float across the ground, bumping into walls and then turning again, bumbling, like a small puppy or child. as it approached something glimmered upon it-- a knife, taped to the top of a roomba, slowly but surely making it's way towards the group. down another hallway entereed another roomba, this one witha  gun attached to it, and before long dozens of roombas with various weapons attached to them filled the hallways, threatening them from a distance.  
  
"THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!!!" nott shouted, firing bolt after bolt at the roombas. Caleb released melf's acid arrow, missing the roomba's armor class, and causing a pile of acid to eat ingo the floot. idk how that spell works but it has acid in it. whatever i am getting very tired  
  
"Could someone explain what is going on" Caduceus asked, calmly, bu tclearl yconfused. all of thg the glade plugins in this room went off.  
  
"the security system has gone haywire!" nott reloaded another shot. "caleb thought it was a good idae to buy 500 roombas and we don't know how to turn them off"  
  
"WHY did you buy 500 roombas" this is fjord this time  
  
"well, caleb always has a bunch of dirt on him and i'm kind of messy, so we figure that if we had roombas, they would help cleean up our mess."  
  
"why the weapons though" jester. she speaks  
  
"because we are afraid of theives and robbers, why else?" caleb started casting the earthen grasp spell and a cat paw erupted out of the pile of open dirt to grab a roomba and throw it avross the room. "they are very scary in the dark at night."  
  
beauregarD: and the glade plugins?? and candles?? caleb what the hell are those about.  
caleb: it is another security measure. it makes me very anxious though.  
  
b:ewau: "why  
  
though? isn't this a weird form of elavoorate punishment fo ryourself? you can't realx in your own home and you've turned it into a warzone. damn bitch you live like this?"  
  
caleb: shrug emoji  
  
idk how to end this fic or resolve it. ok hold on.  
  
they left the house with all the roombas in it. fjord and caduceus went to the real estate office and did some real estate shit with caleb. teh rest of the gang turned into like, one of those fixer up shows where they just destroy shit and make it nice? that except htey just destroy shit. just break everything to the ground. set all of the roombas go in a big army down the street, makign children cry. the homeowners association gets mad about their real estate value dropping significantly.  
  
then the party moves into a big house together without glade plugin flamethrowers or an army of roombas and lives as a nice weird family together and help each othe rwoth through their problems the end i love you i feel like i am gonna cry beause i love all of you so much i hooe you have a great day or evening and i am going to go to bed is it thursday yet yes i tis almost thurstday word up

**Author's Note:**

> the fic is based on that one tumblr ost that it's like "Light a candle directly in front of your automatic Glade spray air freshener that way every 9 minutes a fireball shoots across your living room table, intimidating your house guests, asserting your dominance in your domain" and shoutout to mai fo r giivng me more ideas


End file.
